Help! How do I work with my siblings while we manage our parents?
Sibling dynamics can be tricky - no matter how loving or estranged you are. Then add in kids, aging parents, living across the country and having to make some big, real-time, decisions together as you begin caregiving for your loved ones. Holy shit - it’s a lot.
This episode from Season 1 remains one of you all-time-most-listened episodes of our podcast. Why is that do we think? Well, this fun little stat tells us that our listeners are deeply feeling the love, tension and stress of navigating The Sandwich Generation with their siblings. It’s frankly all of the things at once. This blog post dives a little deeper into what sisters Robyn and Lisa Frank discusses so candidly - and gave us so much wisdom!
Meet Robyn and Lisa Frank - the sisters who are navigating life, caregiving and teaching us all!
The Myth of the Perfect Caregiving Sibling Relationship
Here's something we don't talk about enough:
Even siblings who genuinely love each other can struggle when caregiving enters the picture.
One sibling lives nearby.
Another lives across the country.
One is handling doctor's appointments.
One is managing finances.
Someone is carrying resentment from childhood.
Someone else still thinks they're the favorite.
And suddenly everyone is trying to make major decisions under pressure while navigating decades of family history.
It's no wonder caregiving can strain sibling relationships and the good news? It doesn't have to destroy them.
Build Your Caregiving "Cabinet"
One of our favorite takeaways from this conversation is the idea of building a Cabinet.
We're talking about a trusted group of people you can turn to for support, advice, and perspective when caregiving decisions get overwhelming.
Your Cabinet might include:
Siblings
Close friends
Cousins
Neighbors
Healthcare professionals
Trusted family advisors
Because caring for aging parents was never meant to be a one-person job (even if you’re an only child!)
Divide and Conquer (Instead of Keeping Score)
One of the quickest ways to create sibling conflict during caregiving? Treating every responsibility like it has to be divided equally. Equal and fair are not always the same thing. We encourage you to work to your strengths in your sibling dynamic:
Maybe one sibling is great with finances.
Maybe another excels at emotional support.
Maybe someone has more schedule flexibility.
Maybe someone lives three states away but can handle research, paperwork, and insurance calls.
The goal isn't keeping score. The goal is making sure your parent gets the care they need.
Let's Talk About Caregiver Guilt
Ah yes. Guilt. It’s the unofficial mascot of the Sandwich Generation.
If you're caring for aging parents while raising children, you've probably felt guilty about:
Not doing enough
Living too far away
Being too busy
Missing an appointment
Feeling frustrated
Wanting a break
Needing boundaries
The list is endless. One of the most powerful parts of this episode is hearing Robyn and Lisa acknowledge that guilt doesn't magically disappear. It does, however, does get easier when siblings communicate openly and support each other instead of judging each other!
Boundaries Aren't Selfish
If you've listened to this podcast before, you know we're big fans of boundaries. Not because they're easy, but because they are necessary!
Caregiving can bring up old wounds, family triggers, and relationship patterns you thought you'd left behind years ago. Robyn and Lisa talk candidly about recognizing triggers, communicating boundaries, and giving each other grace.
Because when emotions are running high, self-awareness becomes one of the most important caregiving tools you have.
Listen to the Full Episode: Listen on Apple or Spotify
In this episode, we cover:
Build your “Cabinet”, either with your siblings or with trusted family and friends who you can get advice from in making all of the decisions.
Also, build a “Cabinet” of your parent’s friends who can continue to reach out and support them.
Divide and Conquer with your siblings - and recognize what each other’s strengths are.
Talk about your boundaries and triggers with your siblings.
Check in with your siblings - how are they doing in their lives? How is their mental health?
Above all, put your own bullshit aside and focus on the wellbeing of the loved one you are caregiving for.
Frequently Asked Questions About Sibling Caregiving
How do siblings divide caregiving responsibilities?
The most effective approach is to divide responsibilities based on strengths, availability, and skills rather than trying to split every task equally.
What causes conflict between siblings when caring for aging parents?
Unequal workloads, communication issues, unresolved family dynamics from years ago, financial concerns, and differing opinions about care decisions.
How can I support a sibling who is the primary caregiver?
Check in regularly, send a simple text, offer specific help, voluteer to take tasks off their plate, provide emotional support, and avoid criticism or second-guessing from the sidelines.
What if I live far away from my aging parents?
Long-distance caregivers can help by managing paperwork, scheduling appointments, coordinating services, handling finances, researching resources, and providing emotional support.
How do only children manage caregiving for aging parents?
Are you an only child? Yeah, Eliesa is too. We’ve got you covered! Eliesa lightly touches on the differences of being an only-child caregiver in this episode and we have an entire episode devoted to being an ‘only’ as well! Check out Season 2, Episode 8: The 'Only' Club: Being an only child and raising an only child in The Sandwich Generation
If you’re new here, we cohost a podcast called The Sandwich Generation Pod and along with my friend Robyn Frank. We talk about the realities of raising our young kids alongside caregiving for our aging parents. We invite you to listen and share with anyone you know who this might help!
LOVEe + Robyn
